I had a couple in my cab this past Friday that were the exact same amount of comic-movie style wobbly drunk. They swayed back and forth, saving themselves from falling at just the last moment and avoiding missteps with complete obliviousness.
When they got into the cab, they slumped forward, smelling strongly of beer and faintly of vomit. I asked a couple times during the 3 mile ride if they were doing alright. “YUP!” Said the man and, “HICCUP!” Said the woman.
When I pulled into their driveway, they both patted themselves down, looking for the $10.85 fare. “ALL I HAVE IS THIS!” Said the woman, handing me a twenty dollar bill and getting out of the cab. I handed back $9 and the man took it, mumbled good night, and got out. I spent a moment and fully remembered that this was probably the third time I’d taken this couple home, each time they’d been this physically wasted and each time I was left without a tip. Each time I thought it was because they were just too drunk to know what they were doing.
I kept myself parked in the driveway, watching the man fumble with his keys and the door. To make it easier on himself, he had put the $9 in his mouth. When he dropped the keys, I believe the woman sassed him, because he then took the money OUT of his mouth and threw it directly into her face. I internally cursed at him, but was astonished that the woman hadn’t even flinched. Not from the insult of it OR the physicality of it.
The man turned to the corner of his doorway, opened his pants, and started pissing. ON HIS OWN DOORWAY. Like, why not go to a bush or something in your yard? The woman didn’t react to this either, she bent double and picked up the keys, leaving the $9 on the doormat. She opened the door without any problem, then closed it while the man was still pissing on his own house.
The man finished up, closed his pants, and went inside. He gave me a little glance through the window next to the door and disappeared further into the house without pausing. I got out of my car and collected the miraculously dry $9.