Cock Suckers.
I picked up a troupe of gentlemen from a gentlemen’s club this past weekend.  They behaved themselves very well.  They didn’t do any of the typical hitting-on, harassing, or misogynistic small talk that is normal for rides coming out of strip clubs.  The ride was fairly long and they’re chatting with themselves pretty boisterously.  The man in the front seat is maintaining respectful small-talk with me, so when I heard “I’d suck your dick for a million dollars!” from the man behind me it came as an abrupt shift in conversation to me.  He was speaking to the man sitting next to him, who replied, “I wouldn’t!  I would not suck your dick for a million dollars!”

The first man becomes incredulous, “WHY NOT?!  I would do it for you!”

The man in the front seat ponders for a moment and asks, “Well how long do you have to suck it?  I would do it if it was for just a second, but I’m not sure if I would let you finish.”

This strangely gives me hope for the future.  There was homosexual discussion happening within a group of 5 men in my cab, NO ONE said a derogatory term, and they had just come out of a strip club (female strippers).  While it isn’t perfect, it certainly wasn’t hateful.

Show me your tits.
Bartime is usually nuts and frequently when I pull up to a busy bar that’s just kicked everyone out for the night several people tell me that I am their cab.  Lets face it, I can’t be EVERYONE’S cab.  I had a call for 5 people (I was driving a minivan all weekend) and I asked all the people who approached what their name was to try and verify if this was indeed their order.  I send a computer request for the office to call my people, and during the wait time to get a reply (usually at bartime it’s “we got voicemail”) I was told “Why are you just sitting here?  We have money, you could be MAKING MONEY!  Just let us in!”

I shake my head slowly, knowing it’s a fool’s game to try and have a productive conversation with someone who’s been drinking.  If I tell them it’s better customer service to actually service the people who call us instead of take anyone who runs up to me, they’ll tell me I’m crazy because I could be making money RIGHT NOW, but if they’re the ones who had called they would complain for years that their cab had been scooped by someone because the driver was a total jerk.

One dude is basically turning his head sideways to try and fit it into my window to tell me how dumb I am for not taking his money.  I get the computer’s reply that the office actually got a hold of my passenger and he was on his way out to me.  I look up at the man in my window and say, “show me your tits.”

“Will you let me in?!”

“Nope.”

He did anyway, smiling the whole time, even when my passenger showed up to get into the front seat.  We had to go around the block to get his friends… they had migrated to a pizza place WHICH I HIGHLY DISCOURAGE.  If you call a cab, stay put and wait for your cab or they might take someone else because you forgot to answer your phone.

Mom Voice.
As I have said earlier in this compilation and earlier in several entries into this blog:  drunk people are hard to argue with.  I was picking up at a busy bar for a party of 6, but lo and behold, there were 7 people.  They strung it out where two people got in, then one got out to find others in the bar, then 4 people were in, then one got out to find his other friends…  It took a while and my patience was growing thin.  I had turned the meter on somewhere in the shuffle because it had taken over 10 minutes to locate everyone.

Still in park, I was half-turned to look into the back of the van as everyone was getting in.  “I can only take 6 passengers.”
“No it’s fine.”
“I can only take 6 passengers.  Everyone needs access to a seat belt.”
“No it’s fine.”
“It’s not fine, I will only start moving when there are 6 or less passengers.”
“No it’s fine.”
/momvoice “LOOK.  Do you want to get out here or at your hotel?”

As one of the bros gets out he says to me through the passenger window, “I hope you can sleep at night!”  I am, apparently, a terrible human being for refusing to break the law and put someone at risk.  How must I cope with the weight of evil on my soul?  At least people in the Midwest are thoroughly mollified by Mom Voice.  Everyone in the taxi got quiet and didn’t say a word for several blocks once we were underway.

Riding Dirty.
I had three people in the cab on a fun little ride and we saw someone pulled over doing a sobriety test.  Someone in the front seat mentioned that they were “riding dirty” and in my ignorance had to ask what it meant, exactly.  I knew it was an old term, but I thought it had something to do with the car itself, like loud muffler or low-rider.  Everyone had a giggle at my ignorance (including me) when the guy in the front seat said it just meant the driver of the car wasn’t sober.

I don’t know why I’m including this little snippet in this entry, but it was fun.  It also opened up a window for sass later in the ride when I said, “I’ll ride YOU dirty.”  I dunno, I guess you had to be there.  IT WAS FUNNY.

Lost and Found.
I found a laptop in the middle of a major street.  It was kinda beat up, but it was one of those industrial, heavy duty, construction site or police car laptops.  Kinda like this only not a Dell.  I saw it once on a ride into downtown (but couldn’t tell exactly what it was as I drove by), then again an hour later after dropping someone off on the West side.  It had been sitting there at least an hour and a half and no one else had picked it up.  I took it to the nearest police station after that.

An hour later I found a purse in the road on a side street.  It looked like it was in someone’s lap as they got out of a nearby car and it just fell down, forgotten.  There was a phone inside, so I called the most recent two calls and left a voicemail with my phone number with instructions to not call until after noon (because that’s when I wake up).  The phone itself rang at 10am, waking me up.  It was the owner and her sister, looking for her things.  I blurrily handed it over 10 minutes later when they found my house.

Cab drivers find LOADS of shit everywhere.  This is the third purse I’ve found.  I’ve also found wallets, nice clothing, CD books full of CDs, and you would not BELIEVE all the random loose money.  I find money in the middle of deserted intersections!

What if he really IS dying?
I was dispatched a call on the West side, approximately 6-7 miles away from where I was at the time I received the call, so it made me really annoyed when it was basically going across the street.  It was from one hotel to another hotel.  It didn’t specify that the pickup was at the hotel bar (a different side of the building), so I spent quite some time trying to dig out who I was looking for.  The computer said the desk had called the order in, but I think that information was wrong and the BAR had called it in, considering the state of my passenger.

He got in, I took him the one-minute ride to his hotel, and he refused to get out.  He wanted me to just drive him around a while, his heart hurt.  I asked some questions to figure out if he meant emotionally or physically, but he wouldn’t answer questions.  I told him I wouldn’t take him anywhere unless I had a destination and money up-front.

He made some dramatic noises, got a wad of cash out of his pocket along with an old receipt for beer and cigarettes (I checked at the end of the ride to see if it was important enough to insist he take it), and said he was dying.  I asked if he wanted me to take him to the ER, and again I got no answer.  I told him that was where I was taking him, took a $20 from his wad and handed the rest back.  He then fake-passed-out while exclaiming, “I’m dead.”

Halfway to the ER he “came to” and yelled about how IT HURT.  “What hurts?”  “My BONES!!!” and he gripped the door and arm rest.  I was speeding just a little, figured he was breathing fine, so continued with the course of action to take him to the ER instead of calling 911.  He said things like, “It’s not your fault, honey,” and “They’re going to kill me there,” and “just let me die in peace.”  While making the last turn towards the hospital he made as if to open the door, so I made sure they were locked.  He then became insulted that I had locked the doors on him.  Hey dude, no one jumps out of MY car.

I got him to the ER, went in for some nurses, and he gave me an additional $20 for a tip (the ride totaled $18.90), all the while saying he was a goner.  Do people normally seem overly dramatic when they’re actually dying?  What this guy really dying?  I covered my bases with making sure I wasn’t taking him against his will and he seemed appreciative for at least part of that ride.  Better safe than sorry, I guess.

Random sightings.
Saw a really cool shooting star this past weekend.  I see a lot more of them than most people simply because I am outside (of a building) at night.  I love it!  Wouldn’t you?!  This thing was monstrous!

I also saw two people on a deserted street making out like the world was about to end.  I actually really enjoy getting glimpses like this as I drive by because it reminds me people are awesome and make each other happy sometimes.