A bunch of shorties

I wrote a list over Friday and Saturday night of snapshots.  The kids are back for college and business was picking up, so I had a bunch of short rides, and more rides equal more stories, I guess.  Some aren’t very interesting, maybe, but they struck a chord in me.

What will be interesting, if you’re a grammar guru, is following my terrible inconsistency of tense through this blog post!  Have fun!  I’ve been drinking beers!

  1.  Picked up a single man from a very up-scale steak restaurant on the capitol square.  He was going to a hotel 5 blocks away, but with how the one way streets are situated, I have to drive 12 blocks to get him there.  I explain this to him when he gets in, and he tells me he knows.  Then he says, “wow, you’re not the normal kind of cab driver.”  I wait for it.  Yup.  He follows up with, “yer cute.”
    I reply, “This does not effect my driving.”
    “Well good!”  He replies.  Then when we have made the full loop around the capitol building, he questions my route because we’re nearly back where we started.  I have to remind him of the one-way nature of the street.
  2. I pick up a man from a bar, riding on a safe-rider voucher.  This is a program for bars that belong to the Dane County Tavern League, where if a patron gets too drunk to drive, and if the bar has any vouchers left, the patron can get a free cab home, saving lives.  I love this program, it keeps me safe AND gets me paid.  Unfortunately, the man on this ride had used up ALL his cash on booze and let me know he had none for me for my tip.  A couple minutes from his house, he asked if I wanted a key instead.  A key?  “Would you like the key to my heart?”
    “No thank you, that seems like too much responsibility.”
  3. Picking up a party of 4 from a house going to a bar, two guys are in my cab and we’re waiting for the rest to join us… for like 5 minutes.  I’m fending off personal questions from the guy in the back seat, but the guy in the front seems polite.  One of the two guys we’re waiting on comes out and says he’s not sure where the fourth is.  “Oh, that’s alright!  Gives me more time to flirt with the sexy cab driver!” Le barf.
    “Get out,” I say, deadpan.
    The guy in the front says, “Yea, knock it off!”
    Guy in the back gets the hint, begrudgingly, but shuts his trap.
  4. I have a medium-length ride from the West side to downtown.  It’s a mousy dude who just got off work, and it’s about midnight or 1am.  He seems a little tired, a little drunk, and a little OCD about directions (of which I confirmed in the beginning, but he’s still feeding me directions as we’re going).  I listen to my iTunes through an AUX plug in the cab.  A Beatles-Jay-Z mash-up of 99 Problems comes on.  I love this song!  At the end of the ride, my passenger looks me in the eye an sheepishly tells me, “You should be careful.”  I look at him and tilt my head a little.  I assume he’s going to give me a spiel about being a female cab driver, but instead he tells me that HE wasn’t offended by that song, but SOME people might be.  I thank him politely for his advice, because he was nice and I had no energy, but 1) I can listen to whatever I want and if you get offended you can call and complain, I am aware I am taking that chance.  Listening to my own music has a higher return on my intact sanity than offending passengers.  2) I am actually in control of my radio at all times.  If you don’t like his lyrics, I can press fast forward… with my smart watch.  (HAH!  DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!  I AM SO PROUD OF THAT REFERENCE THERE!)
  5. “Whose the cab for, brother?”  Some dudebro yells into the passenger side front window as he tries to open the locked door.  After a few seconds he realizes that it’s not going to open and also that I am also not a dudebro like himself.  He starts to be rude and tells me to open the door while he continues to try the handle, so I just roll up the window.  I had already made contact with my passenger (who had gone back inside the pizza place to get the other passengers), so I just didn’t want to waste the energy.  Also fuck you for blindly gendering me without actually LOOKING at me, bro.
  6. I’ve mentioned before that I frequently get asked stuff like, “So what does your husband think of you being a cab driver?”  This time I immediately called the dude in front of his friends that I can clearly see through his attempt to find out if I’m married.  Everyone has a laugh, but he asks again more directly.  I tell him I’m not going to answer and change the subject.  Five minutes later, he pipes up with, “I don’t see a wedding band!  Shouldn’t a woman your age be married and have kids?”
    Without patience or delay, I reply, “You need to shut the fuck up right now.”  I got an apology tip from him on his way out of the cab.  I would have been happier with a little damn respect.
  7. I had three very drunk people in my cab who were pleasant!  They were celebrating one of their birthdays.  They let me vent a little about other rides, I reassured them that THEY weren’t being rude when the expressed insecurity about it, and then conversation wandered, a little funny, a little sassy.  One of them yelled out randomly, off-topic, “STICKS!”  So I replied, “IN THE BUTT!”  The girl in the front seat went into hysterics.  When she calmed down a little, she informed me that he said that because he loves the band Styx, and since she thinks they are poop, my reply was perfect.  Styx in the butt, dudes.
  8. I had a couple who were pretty trashed, but very much relaxed and in a good mood.  I made some jokes about marijuana, and they halfheartedly denied being stoned (they were totally stoned).  Conversation meandered to different drugs and how severely evil some are to our bodies and brains.  Talk was goofy but fun.  When I got them home, the dude got out and went to their door while the lady paid with a card.  We talked a little bit and I looked up.  It seemed like the dude was talking to himself while opening the door.  The transaction was complete, and as the lady got out, I noticed dude was already inside.  Out of habit, I waited a moment to make sure the lady got in safely.  She looked like she was struggling a little with the door.  I rolled down the window and laughed a little, “Did he LOCK YOU OUT?!”  She laughed and nodded.  It seemed so silly!  I was glad when dude came back to the door and extra glad to see he had a dog companion (explaining the talking to himself).  This silliness healed a bit of the caustic weekend for me.

About yellowandblackmail

I pick people up and take them where they want to go.
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