“Dick is abundant and low value.”
Seriously. It is. And this Dickonomics article is a wonderful read.
My Tinder journey started with me downloading the app as a confidence booster. I had just been cut off from a married man who had told me he loved me, but he couldn’t risk hurting his wife, who he had kept me secret from. It’s a long story how I got roped into this emotional shithole, but lets just say I was left feeling like I was worthless, shameful, and utterly depressed. It wasn’t me AT ALL. I used Tinder as “The Nope Game.” It made me feel good that I was nope-ing men for 5 or 10 minutes at a time, knowing they were all poopers who weren’t worth my time. It made me feel better that I was reaping confidence from my game while no one knew that I was nope-ing them (technically, if they “liked” me and I “noped” them, they knew, but in a sea of hundreds, I’m fairly certain they didn’t notice or take it personally). I didn’t want to hurt anyone else, I just wanted to get a little boost in my mental state. Tinder was a joke to me, then I stopped playing my game for about 5 months, while I wallowed and recovered in turns.
I have always been super stubborn, especially when it comes to myself. Sometimes this manifests as tenacity (like teaching myself how to knit something very, very complicated over two years of gradual steps with a lesson plan for myself), and other times it’s me buckling down and conquering my mental barriers.
When I was younger I dated a man who verbally degraded me while having sex with me. I was young enough that I didn’t have the capacity to figure out it was hurting me until I’d shouldered the burden so long that I broke. It wasn’t fair to me or him that we, as a couple, weren’t educated enough about consent and communication to negotiate things beforehand or check in with each other periodically. The fallout was that I didn’t utter a peep at all during sex for a year with other various partners. This wasn’t me. I’d always been vocal and noisy. It bothered me that I’d changed and that I didn’t seem to enjoy myself as much. So I fucking fixed that shit. I contacted a couple different men online and had myself some phone sex. The first couple times was clumsy, but I liked it. I like sex, and I like talking about it, and I like hearing people get off. I like positive feedback when someone is enjoying my noises, too. After I got through my barriers I cut off communication with these strangers and moved on with my life.
I had a serious barrier after this married man. I hated men and didn’t want them looking at me, touching me, or coming anywhere near me. Even most of my very close friends. I didn’t date for at least seven months, and didn’t have sex for eight. This was the longest time in my adult life that I had abstained. I partially felt that I was The Worst and my body was terrible and my outlook was terrible and I was a complete disappointment, and it was also partially that all men were The Worst. This wasn’t me. So I fucking fixed that shit.
I’m lucky enough to have close male friends who are interested in me sexually, interested in my well-being, and can support me without wanting a relationship beyond close friendship from me. It’s a very delicate and specific place. They CARE about me and want me to thrive and they can accept that I am volatile and fragile and also don’t want a boyfriend. My friend helped me see my goal and get past my barrier (he enjoyed the hell out of it, too, just fyi), and encouraged me to go forth into the wide world and enjoy.
That was just the first step, though. It took another couple months to actually get the ball rolling. Next came anxiety attacks leading up to dates. Looking back, there was no good reason for me to feel anxiety. It’s just a fucking meeting for dinner and either of us are more than welcome to say, “sorry, I’m not into you.” The anxiety for me wasn’t about rejection, it was just about letting myself open up again, even if it was casual. Maybe it was that I had shut down my feelings for so long that I was hypersensitive to everything. It totally sucked. I literally vomited the day of a date once.
But after a few dates, I realized none of this was a big deal. I took rejection in stride and I’m well-versed in graceful bluntness with others (service industry ladies know what I’m talking about). With my age, nothing seemed so urgent anymore, either. I could start a conversation with someone in a different state with the hopes of eventually seeing them next YEAR, knowing in the meantime I had a smorgasbord to tide me over. Practice does make perfect… or at least a lot easier.
Smorgasbord? Are you curious where these abundant dicks are? I’m incredibly honest with myself, but even I was surprised how hard it was to shift my mindset, or even that I had to. I couldn’t just sit at a bar and wait for them to flock (plus I didn’t want bar flies). I had to start pressing that like button, and then I had to start a conversation. That meant I had to be okay with giving myself options.
I went to a regional burn (it’s like Burning Man but with about 1200 people instead of 120,000), and I really enjoyed the eye candy. A Lot. I kept pointing men out to my friend and saying, “omg he’s so hot.” After two days of this, my friend turned to me and said, “THEN GO TALK TO THEM. You aren’t gonna get laid if you don’t talk to someone.”
Common sense, right? But everyone knows that step is the hardest after you haven’t done it in FOREVER. Eventually I did talk to someone. He said he’d come around later that night and we could see how we were feeling then. He didn’t come around. I was fucking pissed. He came by the next morning and said he was having a bad reaction to something and got sick all night, but he didn’t actually apologize and I personally disdain drug use.
I turned to my Oracle Friend after he left and said, “I want that dick in my mouth, but I don’t want to reward him for his bad behavior.”
“You aren’t rewarding him for his bad behavior. You are rewarding your good behavior. You don’t ever have to see him again to establish this as a pattern.”
This was my shift in mindset. I am rewarding my proactive behavior, and I also don’t have to approach these encounters like they would be relationships… because they won’t be and I don’t want them to be. So why on Earth was I still in this habit? Of course I’m still going to treat these people with respect and kindness, but I didn’t have to go into it trying to behave like a “lady.” I didn’t have to be coy, and I didn’t have to judge them beyond, “am I attracted to them and are they treating me with respect and kindness?”
I had some great sex at that “camping” trip and I have some dates set up for when I go back down to Georgia on my next visit. I match regularly on Tinder with interesting people, and I unmatch them when they talk me out of liking them. It’s no big deal because I keep logging in and there’s more and more people to like or not. I flirt with a handful of people at a time and it makes each disappointment seem smaller and more insignificant because that one disappointment wasn’t the ONLY encounter I had in a large time period. I had finally broken away from the old mindset that it wasn’t proper to flirt with only one dude at a time… because I wasn’t trying to have a relationship with that dude.
This wide cast of my net has made in-person flirting easier, and taking in-person rejection easier. It’s also easier to put the kibosh on some bad behavior, since I don’t have to make excuses for men’s bad habits in order to continue getting laid by the only one guy that I’ve been flirting with.
For example: a few weeks ago I met a man who was nice, but he was INSANE in bed. Like, he had magic hands and a magic face… and he ALSO had an 8″ cock. I was flabbergasted because I was convinced you couldn’t have ALL of these things! I’d found a mythical creature. I asked where he’d learned how to give head like that… his response was his girlfriend’s lesbian girlfriend taught him. God bless lesbians. Unfortunately, this guy kept flaking out on plans. I was patient with him because of how he gave me crazy, screaming orgasms, but the third time within a week was the breaking point because dick is abundant and low value. I can get more. That amazing sex isn’t worth my time waiting around for it. Available vaginas are the hot commodity here, not dick, and I have plenty of options. I do need to say it was incredibly validating when a little over a week after I told him to only contact me if he can follow through, he started texting me to feel me out. If a guy with all of these great skills and attributes is coming back to me, there’s obviously a deficit in available vagina, and I’m also great in the sack.
There’s a little work involved in getting these options. Like, half an hour per day on Tinder, and then any time you want to invest in specific matches with flirting. I’d say it’s worth it. My next post will have more stories, I promise. This one needed to be written, though. I have a lot of thoughts on the inequality of judgement towards women dating casually, but I wanted to write about my journey there. Also, I need to say that I know my needs are not everyone’s needs and the way I deal with my personal issues isn’t how everyone should deal with similar issues. It’s definitely the way I needed to deal with my issues, though. Basically, don’t do what I do to get over your barriers unless you feel it’s right for you, too.
I love that you put this into writing!