They made an app for that.

One night I was feeling especially squirrely.  I was on the tail-end of my period, but I wanted to get laid and I didn’t want to have to make a new friend to do it.  I believe it was a weekday night, maybe around 9pm.  I had matched with someone on Tinder that had “non-monogs” in his profile.  He stated he was from California and was only in town for the evening.  Perfect, right?

We messaged back and forth, and I let him know I was on the “tail end” of my period, but I was still interested in a hook-up.  He wanted to meet for a drink first to see if we had any chemistry, and I thought that was totally fair.  I picked him up from the college bar he was at and told him I’d take him to a nicer place where we could talk.

Polite conversation ensued.  I tried to keep steering conversation towards fun things, like a camping trip I had recently come back from, but he kept bringing me down.  He talked about work a bit, mispronouncing Indian tribe names (part of the subject matter of his contract), which really bothered me.

I explained my camping trip was like a mini-Burning Man and he got a little excited.  He started talking about drugs.  I let him know I don’t actually do drugs.  I’ll smoke pot twice a year at most, but don’t really like drugs or being around them.  “Oh… so you won’t be able to get any for me?”  He asked.  I think he was trying to be playful, but he was mostly serious.  He kept talking about drugs and how he likes going to these Burns as well, mainly for the drugs and fun, and he wrapped back around to how we should get some pot and smoke together because he really likes getting close to people that way.

It bothered me that he would push to smoke up with me even after I stated I don’t like doing drugs myself and I wouldn’t be getting any for him.

“Aren’t you going back to California tomorrow?  Don’t you have something there?”
“Yea, I have a medical card, but I like smoking with people.”

I didn’t bother asking him if the medical card was for anything actually medical.

He made a backhanded comment about the bar, “You think THIS place is nice?”
“No… It’s just nicer than the college bar I picked you up at, and we can actually hear each other here.  Did you want to go someplace classy?”

I changed the topic to sex.  I talked about how I was ramping up in my sex drive because of my age, and how I’d been branching out a bit.  “Luckily, they made an app for that!” I said, grinning and pointing to my phone.  He looked a little stunned.  It seemed like this was the first time he had been faced with the idea that women were using Tinder for what it was intended instead of just men being proactive with it.

I asked if he wanted to go back to his hotel room and he then got a little fidgety.  “But the hotel is all white…”
“What do you mean?”  I was a little dumbfounded because I thought he might be talking about race.  We’re a pretty white city.  He was Pacific Islander, I think, so I wondered if he was nervous about people seeing us go up together.
“Well, wouldn’t it be better to go back to your place?  You know, because of the mess?”

Oh, he was talking about my period.  This shocked me big time, because he was completely unaware of how a woman’s body worked.  The last day of a cycle, you MIGHT get a little spot, but he was acting like we were going to paint the walls red.  I let people know if I’m in my cycle out of courtesy because I completely understand oral would be out of the question and it’s not something you want to be surprised by.  It didn’t surprise me, however, when he later said he’d never been in a long term relationship at 38 years old.

I told him I could go to an ATM and get a $20 out for the maid, because that’s what hotels and their cleaning services are for.  He thought about it for a minute and shook his head.  He would rather I had a mess to clean up than a third party who was paid to do it.  “Okay, why don’t I take you to your hotel, then.”

Conversation wrapped around to why I moved away from California while we were in my car.  I mentioned how I felt that people who weren’t close friends tended to only want to get close to you if they could get something out of you.  He completely agreed, adding that they’ll beat around the bush for a while beforehand and circle back to what they want, never actually asking, but leading you there indirectly.  Internally I rolled my eyes and thought about our conversation about drugs.

When he mentioned that he hadn’t had many girlfriends that lasted more than a few months, I asked why he put “Non-monogamous” in his profile.  “Oh, I have a lady friend who is non-monogamous and she’s really cool and we get along well, so I figured I could give it a try.”  So… not really non-monogamous, then, or at least no experience with it.  Probably due to words that come out of his mouth.

He thanked me during the ride for driving him to his hotel instead of making him get a cab, but then turned and got a little defensive that I was more interested in sex at the beginning when he was a stranger, but once he became “an actual person” I wasn’t interested anymore.  “I’m not trying to make a friend, you’re leaving town tomorrow.”

He seemed a little surprised when I brought him to his hotel’s circle drive (not parking), and said good bye.  I wasn’t in the mood anymore and he was a complete douche so I went home and watched Netflix and knit.  I doubt he knows why I changed my mind, but that’s not my problem.  All he had to do to get laid was not be such an ass.

About yellowandblackmail

I pick people up and take them where they want to go.
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1 Response to They made an app for that.

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