Is there really such a thing as “too much fun”?

Yes.  Yes there is.

When I would go somewhere as a teenager, my mom would say, “Have fun, but don’t have TOO much fun!”  I was all, “mom, it’s not possible to have TOO much fun!”  I must be getting on in years, because I can see now what “too much fun” is, and it isn’t pretty.  Soon I’ll be yelling at my neighbors to turn down their new music and screaming at kids to get off my giant pile of raked leaves… I JUST SPENT AN HOUR DOING THAT WORK KIDS.

A couple months ago I picked up a party of 6 in my minivan-taxi.  They were out celebrating an impending wedding or something, but most of them were happy-drunk.  One lady was nervous about getting car sick, so we stuck her in the front seat next to me.  It’s strategically good for me to have her there because she can easily signal for me to pull over if needed, and the door is familiar to operate, no matter what kind of car she’s used to.  This woman wasn’t drunk, she was very coherent, but she was also very sensitive to motion or something, therefore very car sick.

I was nervous about a couple of her buddies, though.  One woman was very slurry and loud with her talking, and one dude was quiet and hammered.  They were both sitting behind me.

We had to stop about 5 times for car-sick girl, each time was lengthy.  Unfortunately for me, the first stop encompassed the issue that I will be focusing on in this story.  The first stop took a few minutes, pulled over with car-sick girl outside of the cab.  I had gotten out a few tissues for her on her return and her fiance was hanging out of the car rubbing her back.  I checked behind me and saw hammered dude slouched forward, drooling not-clear liquid.  Ew.

At the beginning of this ride, I had mentioned our $50 cleaning fee for anyone who gets sick.  Whenever I mention this to someone who looks a little green, I’m interrupted pretty rudely by them and their friends who protest WAY too loudly for the inside of a car that no one will be getting sick.  This is 100% predictable.  I will always get stopped when speaking this short sentence.  Another predictable thing about this is that 90% of the time someone GETS SICK.  The sicko doth protest too much.

So I ask this drooling dude if he’s going to get sick.  He nods weakly.  Does he need me to help with the door?  He nods weakly.  He doesn’t look like he’s being urgent, though.  I get out of the car and pull open the sliding door to the van and without pause or any delay what-so-ever, I get puked on.  The lower part of my jeans and my $90 sneakers are now covered in gross stomach acid and half-digested booze.

The car full of people are extremely apologetic.  I mention that in twelve years of driving, this is the first time I’ve actually been puked ON.  We all kind of laugh and are in it for the long haul together now.  Disparaging jokes and humorous woefulness the long ride home with 4 more puke breaks for car-sick girl.  I get to drive for almost an hour out to their destination on the west side and then back to our office on the east side afterwards, with a stop at my house to change and clean myself.

The poor passengers felt AWFUL, but they were gracious about the cleaning fee and gave me $30 on top as a tip and monetary apology.  They even offered me a slice of pizza at their house, which I turned down because I can’t be hungry and smelling vomit at the same time, it’s just too much for my senses to take.

I think that dude had too much fun.

This past weekend I had a party of 5 in the minivan-taxi coming downtown from the west side.  Someone had already been pre-gaming.  The ride was uneventful, the people pleasant, but when we got to our destination (a hotel), I got paid with a generous tip.  As someone stumbled out of the back, she threw me $10 extra.  I was about to pull away, but realized one of the doors hadn’t been closed all the way.  I got out, opened the door and checked the back out of habit for any keys, wallets, or lost money.

I found a disturbing amount of vomit and a crushed can of red bull.  I immediately locked the doors and stormed into the hotel, where I found my passengers at the front desk checking in.  I demanded they come look at the mess and pay the $50 fee, but to my incredulity, one of them claimed there hadn’t been any ladies sitting back there and the vomit must have been there before they even got in!

So not only were they trying to slip away without me noticing vomit, they tried to say it wasn’t them in the first place.  Lucky for me, the man who had ridden in the front seat was reasonable and sober.  He gave me $60 and apologized for his friend and the sickness while the sneaky guy went off to find the girl who had vomited (she’d gone straight to the lady’s room to clean herself).

Cleaning this was insane.  It took over 45 minutes to try and scrub it out and I still had to shop it to get it professionally steamed.  The most aggravating part was the asshole who tried to deny it even happening from all angles with lies.

At least I don’t have to deal with as much vomit as this guy.  My biggest gripe about this pedal-monster is that it doesn’t stay in the bike lane, but at least now I have a little sympathy for the drivers considering what they have to deal with.

Now I am very well aware that there is such a thing as “too much fun.”  It’s no fun once you get to that point for you or anyone around you.

About yellowandblackmail

I pick people up and take them where they want to go.
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