I’m a busy lady, kinda. I work 3-4 days per week, but those days are usually 12 hour shifts. The days I have off are crammed with one-on-one or small group gatherings with friends I can’t usually get time with during the weekend (because I’m working and that’s when normal people socialize).
I don’t really have a strong desire to seriously date someone for several reasons.
- Men are generally assholes and I’m a stubborn woman who won’t put up with their shit and won’t let shit slide. A series of short, bad relationships have forced me to come face-to-face with this reality.
- I don’t like being monogamous. I can do it in short bursts, but I like fucking around because sex is fun, I like variety, and my sexual peak is hitting me so I don’t want to hold back. I know I could have a serious and loving relationship without monogamy, but this leads me to my third point.
- I don’t have time for a serious relationship. I’m starting full time school soon while keeping my full time work schedule. I didn’t have a whole lot of time to get into a serious relationship before, so I certainly won’t have time when summer school starts.
This leaves me in a tough spot, but not so tough since I’m an independent, sex-positive woman who is not bound by religious constraints. I also have no STDs and practice conscious, consensual, and safe sex, which fulfills all my moral requirements in being a responsible partner and human being.
There are three sites I’m using for online dating. OKCupid, Tinder, and Bumble.
For the past 15 years I’ve had some horrendous shit come out of OKCupid. I turned it off on several long-term occasions because the dates I got out of it were so very, very wacky. Things like people calling me a different name when they were looking for me at a coffee shop, being coked up at a nice restaurant during our dinner, having glam shots on their profile and looking nothing like what they presented, and someone even told me women were inferior and that since he was a Mason, they taught him how to treat a woman properly. I take OKC with a HUGE grain of salt.
I have a LOT of thoughts on Tinder. For men it’s that amazing app that someone finally made that will magically provide those supermodels that want to give them great no-strings sex… all they have to do is be themselves (which consists of terrible, terrible one-line sexist jokes and photos of them with their recently caught fish). In reality, I think the women of Tinder dictate the scene and bring it back down to Earth. Obviously it’s a balancing act. The app works best for everyone if all people are upfront and honest about what they want in their bio, but it’s really fucking hard as a woman to put in “Casual Sex” because we’re conditioned as a culture to think that’s super wrong… even within an app that is made to promote it. It’s hard to get over that mental barrier with yourself to say “yes, I want that,” and be alright with it. It’s even harder to swim through shitty messages and maintain that you’re okay with it. I personally skirted it by putting into my bio, “I’m not interested in a serious relationship.” I’m hoping that the more “bro” kind of men won’t read the bio and won’t “like” me, and the ones that are interested in me and DO read the bio understand where I’m coming from. For me, if you read the damn bio it’s the first step in telling me you’ll read my body language in bed.
Tinder functionality. OKC has been around for a long time. Some of it has changed, but for the most part, everyone’s familiar with that site. Tinder is relatively new and some of my friends in marriages and long-term relationships might night be as familiar with it.
The “x” means “nope” (you can also swipe left if you’re not inside their profile… swiping left inside their profile will show you their next photo). The heart means “like” (also swipe right if you’re not inside their profile). The star in the middle means “super-like”, which will alert that person BEFORE they like you that you like THEM, which will cause them to look at your profile a little more than just “one of the crowd” in their feed. You’ll also show up within the next 10 or so in their list to look at. Part of the beauty of Tinder is that you can like whoever the fuck you want and they won’t know until they like you back. This is handy if you run across a co-worker or someone else you know outside of the app. Another beautiful thing is that you cannot receive messages from people who you aren’t matched with (no swimming through bro-spam), and if things get weird you can unmatch and never talk to that person again. The three vertical dots under the photo bring up the “block” and “report” options. Next to that on the left is a little up-arrow so you can share the profile with a friend via text or email. They won’t be able to view the profile unless they have Tinder on their phone.
(an aside: I pressed “like” on this profile because I figured he was making fun of the sculpted bro photos that usually populate Tinder and I liked how comfortable he was with his body. His other photo was a beardy smile.)
Bumble is new for me and I’ve only had one “match” on there so far. It’s an interesting spin-off from Tinder where the woman has most of the control. I’m really curious about it, not necessarily with having the control, but wondering if the quality of men on there is drastically different than on Tinder because of the swap in control. After you “match”, only the woman can initiate the conversation, which will set the tone. If the woman doesn’t send a reply for 24 hours (at any point in the conversation), the match and conversation go away. You can send pictures privately to your match through the app (you can’t through Tinder), but the picture shows up slightly pixelated until you click on it, so if you suspect an unwanted dick pic, you can avoid it. The downfall here is sometimes I’m super busy and don’t want to be checking the app every day to keep a match, but I’m fairly comfortable giving my phone number out to avoid this (because my phone can block their phone number if shit gets out of hand). Another downfall is the user base is smaller.
Lucky for me, Madison gets a lot of travelers. These apps are national or international, so there’s a slow rotation of potential partners. It would be a total drag if the dating pool were smaller and never-changing and I’m glad I live in a larger, liberal town in Wisconsin.
Bang a gong!
Bang a gong!!!